Thursday, December 27, 2007

Happy birthday to me!

Today is my 34th birthday and I don’t think I’ve ever had a happier one. I finally have the thing I’ve wished for as I blew out candles for the last half a dozen years or so – a pregnancy that looks and feels good. I feel tremendously lucky that tomorrow marks 12 weeks. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and it looks like this year (my 35th!) is the year I’ll get my dream come true. No material thing could ever compare.

I made DH promise not to get me anything this year as I already had everything thing I wanted…well everything besides a bra that fits and some clothes that feel comfy but we fixed that with one trip to the mall yesterday. This year I got so many increadible gifts I just couldn't ask for any more. I had a once in a lifetime trip to Paris with my hubby that I’d long dreamed about and a surprise pregnancy after three long years of TTC. Nothing beats that!

We went out for my favorite breakfast this morning and then did a bit of browsing at the baby store. Holy cow what fun! After that we did more window shopping and had an early dinner at my favorite French place. I barely made it through the meal before I realized I needed a nap. I came home and crashed and just got up in time to make some cupcakes. All in all it was a great day.

Tomorrow I’ll update on our crazy Christmas (the nieces and nephews were in fine form), job news (good job news!), and what’s on our horizon (tests and appointments galore).

Friday, December 14, 2007

10 weeks

My symptoms – sore giant boobs, stretching and pulling in abdomen, crazy tired, and all day nausea – disappeared on Monday. I was less tired and less nauseous and the rest of them just went away. I was okay for one day. And then two. And then I made the situation worse by having sex this morning with my hubby. It was our first time since the BFP and I thought it would make me feel better. Only it made me feel worse. I spotted all morning. Accompanied by a bunch of nothing, it sent me into a tailspin.

I called my OBs office and I think my crying convinced the nurse to bring me in. Dh and I got there two hours later and I was still a wreck. Thank goodness they are so patient. My doc did a quick abdominal u/s which revealed a beautiful beating heart (still no measurement of it, even though I asked!) and a wiggly worm of a fetus. She was pleased and I was very relieved. And she didn’t even make me feel crazy.

She also tried the Doppler but couldn’t pick up the fetus’ heartbeat – only mine. Which was fine since I already knew all was well and that it was a little early for the Doppler.

I also got a chance to ask her about the screening. I explained my concern and she said she totally understood and that the NT scan they do is a combined or sequential screen that is two blood tests combined with the scan to give one overall number that includes the risk for NTDs. I was much relieved and will schedule it asap.

She told me to just enjoy feeling good while I can and know that all is looking well. I go back in two weeks for another check up.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I miss peanut butter

I miss peanut butter. So very much. I fanaticize about it every day. It is a huge part of my normal diet. For almost four years breakfast has been 2 tbs reduced fat creamy peanut butter on two slices of reduced calorie wheat toast (Oro.wheat makes the best kind – loads of fiber but low in calorie and still edible). Until I got pg. Dh is allergic to peanuts. Everything I’ve read says that I should avoid peanuts and peanut products until after I’m through bf’ing lest my child have a severe allergy to peanuts. Since peanut allergies are a tough thing for kids (especially when other kids want pb&j for lunch at school), I figured it was a good idea to do what I can to minimize the impact. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time.

I always dreaded hearing other people’s happy pregnancy news when we were in the throws of our IF. Hated it. Even from people I liked. I hated it even more when the news took me by surprise. Having been on the receiving end so many times, I hoped I wouldn’t ever do that to a fellow stirrup queen. But I did.

Last week DH and I were going about our usual Sunday morning routine – fantastic farmer’s market, coffee and pasties, Trader Joe’s, then our local supermarket for stuff not at the other two. We love our little ritual and it’s a nice quiet time for us. I was reaching for broccoli when I heard a female voice ask me if I took classes at our local giant HMO. I turned and realized the woman talking to me was the same person who cried all through our last support group meeting. (It was her first, and its always a huge step for people. Everyone cries through their first group meeting.) She asked me how we liked Paris as I mentally tried to figure out a way to get out of giving her an update. I wasn’t showing so there was no way she’s know. Dh and I exchanged desperate glances and I realized he was going to spill. And then she asked, “How are things? Are things going wel?” More weird glances exchanged between us. Then, “Good news, huh?” And we confessed. And I saw that look of whycan’titbeme cross her face. And I felt like a terrible person for ruining her morning. Why couldn’t we keep our mouths shut?

Some days I absolutely don’t feel pregnant. Unless frequent waves of nausea and dry heaving, and falling asleep at 8 pm count as feeling pregnant. For a while in week 8, I felt tugging and pulling and stretching all day long and it has mostly stopped. I wish it hadn’t no matter how painful it was. Sometimes I forget I’m pregnant. Until I catch sight of my boobs and then I can’t help but remember.**

I went shopping with my mom, SIL and 18 month old niece last weekend. It was supposed to be Christmas shopping but it ended up being a lot of shopping for me. My SIL was great – giving me tips on what to get and what to avoid in terms of early maternity wear (one pair of jeans and two tops for work), and my mom was thrilled to bits. We found a few cute baby things with our favorite animal on it and couldn’t resist. Despite lingering, sometimes all consuming fear, I let myself enjoy those few hours of talking and planning and joy about baby.

For years, as my SILs had 4 kids between them, I felt left out of their little circle. Their mommy circle. I so desperately wanted to join and couldn’t. I worried that it would cause some permanent rift, that my dear SIL would never forgive my distance. But they both did and are more than happy to welcome me to their little club.

I am woefully behind on Christmas prep. I’ve had cards for two months and have yet to even unwrap them. I have had the fabric for the gifts for the nieces and nephews since August and haven’t touched it. We finally decorated our tree on Sunday but I have yet to set out my other fun decorations.

We are supposed to host the festivities at our house this year. Host. I’m an idiot. I don’t have a menu or a shopping list and I have no idea when I’ll feel like doing it.

Hubby is having a tough time at work. His employer, a small biz, laid off some folks two weeks ago and let him know that the decision to keep him was a tough call. Ouch. He’s understandably worried and scared and it is sapping some of his joy about the pregnancy. Sometimes I want to pamper him and make it all better. I want his joy about this pregnancy to override his fear but it just doesn’t all the time.


I’m worried about neural tube defects (NTD). Folic acid can prevent most NTDs. Great. I wasn’t taking them the few weeks before we conceived. I was ordered to stop taking folic acid on Sept. 13 so that the methotrexate I received would work properly to bring an expedited end to the failing pregnancy that would not end on its own. Folic acid interferes with methotrexate. I stopped taking my pnvs and supplements and didn’t start again until we were in Paris in mid-October. And I wasn’t consistent until I got the bfp. I feel guilty that I didn’t do everything I could to prevent them. I took those damn pnvs every day for more than three years except for that small break and that is the break that could have made a difference.

I need to decide in the next few days what to do about screening. At our 8 week appointment NP recommended the NT Scan but also gave us paperwork for the AFP test. The NT scan does not test for NTDs. The AFP does. I know I need to screen for the trisomy’s but that doesn’t seem like enough. I’m worried that if we do both that the results will conflict and we’ll need to do CVS or amnio, which I’d rather avoid. Any insights I should think about?

I’ll be 10 weeks even tomorrow. Neither of us can believe it.

**Please tell me what the heck to do about the bra situation. I was a 36FF before I got pg. Bras are now tight and there is spillage. Do I get regular, but larger sized bras now? Do I wait? When to get maternity bras? Are they more comfy? Please help! And where does one find them in size 36 GIANT?