If this is a dream, please don’t wake me

Where did January go? All month long I meant to post an update, any update, on our progress and I just couldn’t do it. I was nervous, and busy, and totally preoccupied. I wanted to share all of my concerns and joys with my fellow stirrup queens and just couldn’t get it together. I’m sorry.

I spent all of January in a haze. Thrilled one minute at the wonder of a real live pregnancy and totally terrified the next that it was really a very elaborate, life-like dream that was about to end quite abruptly as soon as the alarm went off. There were a million waking moments were my own life seemed too good to be true. How else to explain that after three years of heartbreak we finally conceived a child that seems to be doing well? And conceived on the eve of our 4th anniversary while in Paris no less! It’s definitely too good to be real life.

But then I feel movement. Little tiny flutters or a sharp thump and even I can’t deny that that must be real.

I spent most of January fretting about things that I have little control over – studies saying I’m at increased risk of adverse pregnancy and delivery outcomes because I have ulcerative colitis. Fears of gestational diabetes. Frustration that the hospital at which my doctor delivers is not known for mom or family friendly birth experiences. When we couldn’t conceive, I thought that I wouldn’t care about any of it, that nothing would matter if I had a healthy baby at the end of it. I was wrong. A healthy live baby is still the most important thing, but as I get farther along (18 weeks today!), the other stuff matters too. I want this experience to be as positive as possible. As I commented on Mel’s post about baby showers, if this is the only chance I get to do this, I want it to be good. I want to feel good and be as happy as I can be. I don’t want to be disappointed when it’s all over and look back with regret.

To help me feel good and embrace this amazing thing, I started whole birth prenatal yoga last month. It’s led by a doula/prenatal massage/lacation consultant who is also a yogi. She is a riot and I love the class. We spend an hour talking about pregnancy, usually with a topic of conversation, and then spend an hour doing yoga, focused on helping the body prepare for labor and motherhood. My fellow classmates have really helped me focus on the things I can do to make this experience all I want it to be, and let go of the rest. They are the best fertile friends an IF girl could have.

I know lots of other women who struggled with IF that refuse to prepare for a baby who might not be, and I expected I would be one of them. I’m not. DH and I spent the week after Christmas window shopping at every baby store within a 20 mile radius. We picked out a stroller, researched cribs, looked for a glider for the nursery and had a blast dreaming about our baby to be. A few weeks ago a crib I loved (but couldn’t afford) at super posh local baby boutique was dramatically marked down in their closing sale and we bought it and brought it home. And a few weeks after that we found the perfect glider at Costco and brought it home too (our family mantra is if you see it once at Costco and don’t buy then it will be gone next week). So instead of waiting until we are “safely” in the third trimester, we went whole hog and finished furnishing the nursery as soon as I was in the second. Sometimes I find DH in there stroking the soft velvet of the chair or staring longingly over the rail of the crib and it just breaks my heart.