Update and Questions

Today's appointment went well and we walked out really excited. The lion cub's fluid is good, he is moving well, his NST was good and my bp is holding steady. Our regular OB is back and we are thrilled to have him. We went over all the stuff that happened while he was gone and he was thankful that we held out until he returned. He decided that it was time to set a plan and a date! So unless we go into labor on our own this week, I will be induced early next week, at around 38.5 weeks. He checked my cervix and it is soft and about 1/2cm dilated which was great news to me. I was scared that he would check and it would have no changes and that would suck given the 36 hour contraction filled saga of last week. I wasn't expecting much and I know it doesn't mean much but I wanted some change to show for all the hard work. So in 7 days or less we'll meet our boy. Thank God.

Cecily tagged all of her readers to do this little exercise and it seemed fun and I need things to keep me occupied while we wait for this little boy to come. So here are the five most character-defining things that have happened to me in my life:

1. My parents divorce. I’m not sure when my parents marriage started failing, I just know that it did. I remember the years of fighting and manipulation and lying. I remember how often my dad found things to do outside our home so that he wouldn’t have to deal with my mother. I remember her doing things she knew would upset him, just because she could. I know that when he sat us down and told us he was moving out, I was relieved. The years after it were tough – money was even tighter and became part of their ongoing tug of war. It sucked. And like Cecily, I had some serious daddy issues when it came time to date. Thankfully I dealt with them early (by the time I was 21), and my relationship with my dad recovered. But those years completely shaped who I would become.
2. Developing a chronic illness while in high school. I got sick in the middle of my freshman year of high school and struggled for almost a year without a proper diagnosis. By December of my sophomore year I was so sick I missed two weeks of school. That finally got the attention of my family and my aunt clued my dad in to what it was (she had it too) and I was finally diagnosed and got the treatment I needed. It was a scary time. Ulcerative Colitis is no walk in the park. The thing that is still so surprising to me, even almost 20 years later, is how uninvolved my parents were in my care. I went to all my appointments alone. They never became involved in my care, even when I was a minor living at home. It was totally up to me to take care of my health and stay on top of my disease. When my brother developed the same disease just over a year ago, my whole family was involved and wanted to know what was going on and how he was doing on a daily basis. He certainly was sicker than I ever have been but by the time he got sick he was almost 30 and married with a child. The contrast reminds me how far my family has come since the years just after my parents divorced (when they were both so self involved).
3. Moving to DC to do an internship and staying for five years. After my sophomore year of college I took an internship 3,000 miles from home for the summer. I knew two people in DC – both of whom were my bosses – and I had no money and no real plans on where I would live. I was so naïve that I wasn’t even scared. That first job changed the whole course of my life, introducing me to people and places that would have been to far out of my world for me to even imagine. That first job led to all of the rest of the ones I’ve had in the 13 years since. After the internship, I got a volunteer gig on a campaign. My manager there got me my second job, and the boss from that job introduced me to my current boss. One little internship has kept me gainfully employed for a long time in a field I enjoy.
4. My husband. Meeting my husband, getting to know him, loving him, it has been a dream come true. He is everything I hoped to find in a mate and his love makes me a better person. I’m lucky that no one else saw him for the gem that he is before I did.
5. My desire to be a mother. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I made choices in my life based on that desire. I took jobs that were less stressful so that when the time came I would have time to be at home with my kids. I moved back to CA so that when I had kids they would be near my family. When it was time for hubby and I to TTC, I worked at it from the very beginning. It was a long road, longer than I hoped or imagined, but there was never a day when I doubted that it was what I wanted and what I was meant to be.

Today is a better day

Thank goodness for new days. I woke up this morning still upset about the situation we find ourselves in (doc on vacation, doula on vacation, hospital I don't like). I was stewing while DH slept and then I realized that this might be our last lazy morning before we become parents. That knocked me out of my funk. I cuddled up to DH. Hours later when it was time to get up for breakfast, all seemed right with the world again. The lion cub was moving well, DH and I were in sync and had decided it was all going to be okay.

The lion cub has kept up his movements today -- meeting his kick counts and throwing in lots of little nudges for good measure. I feel like he knows that it is what I need today.

I found out from a friend that our first choice doula is actually back in town on Monday afternoon. That sounds much more doable than Wednesday for some reason.

I also worked out an arrangement with a back-up doula who has agreed to help us even if we need to be induced on Sunday. We have never met her but she came highly recommended. Just knowing that someone who knows the birth process and knows the hospital will be by our side for the duration calms me. I feel confident that having her with us will help us have a better birth.

Given how well the baby has moved today and how good I feel, I think tomorrow will not be the day. I think they'll test us and send us home and we'll test again on Tuesday. Our bags are still packed but I really think we'll be home tomorrow afternoon and I'll still be pregnant. I hope I'm right!

Scared

I had the second of my twice weekly non-stress tests and amniotic fluid index checks today at the big university hospital. Neither went all that well. He flunked the NST until they gave him a buzz to the head. After that he woke up and passed but until today he had never needed the prodding to pass. His movement has definitely slowed the last few days and I was already worried. That did nothing for my nerves.

After that, they did his AFI and he basically flunked. His number has held steady at about 6.5 since May 6th (when we discovered it was low and I went on disability). Today it was 4.9. Big university hospital usually induces for anything 5.0 and under. My doc's partner decided to wait until Sunday, and have L&D check me again before deciding what to do.

I am nervous. Nervous that waiting isn't the right thing to do. I'm absolutely terrified something bad will happen to him between now (when I know he is alive) and Sunday. I have a call in to my doctor to discuss it but for now I'm just petrified.

And I'm sad. My regular OB is out on vacation until 6/23 which means his partner, who is lovely, will be managing our birth. And because it is so early, they want me to deliver at big university hospital instead of the quieter, calmer, more family friendly hospital where we planned to deliver. I switched docs 3 months ago to avoid delivering at big university hospital and I'm so not excited about it. I know they have a world class NICU but I hate it and their whole philosophy of care.

AND our doula is out until Wednesday.

Please send us some good vibes that he makes it okay to Sunday and beyond. And that it all goes well.

If this is a dream, please don’t wake me

Where did January go? All month long I meant to post an update, any update, on our progress and I just couldn’t do it. I was nervous, and busy, and totally preoccupied. I wanted to share all of my concerns and joys with my fellow stirrup queens and just couldn’t get it together. I’m sorry.

I spent all of January in a haze. Thrilled one minute at the wonder of a real live pregnancy and totally terrified the next that it was really a very elaborate, life-like dream that was about to end quite abruptly as soon as the alarm went off. There were a million waking moments were my own life seemed too good to be true. How else to explain that after three years of heartbreak we finally conceived a child that seems to be doing well? And conceived on the eve of our 4th anniversary while in Paris no less! It’s definitely too good to be real life.

But then I feel movement. Little tiny flutters or a sharp thump and even I can’t deny that that must be real.

I spent most of January fretting about things that I have little control over – studies saying I’m at increased risk of adverse pregnancy and delivery outcomes because I have ulcerative colitis. Fears of gestational diabetes. Frustration that the hospital at which my doctor delivers is not known for mom or family friendly birth experiences. When we couldn’t conceive, I thought that I wouldn’t care about any of it, that nothing would matter if I had a healthy baby at the end of it. I was wrong. A healthy live baby is still the most important thing, but as I get farther along (18 weeks today!), the other stuff matters too. I want this experience to be as positive as possible. As I commented on Mel’s post about baby showers, if this is the only chance I get to do this, I want it to be good. I want to feel good and be as happy as I can be. I don’t want to be disappointed when it’s all over and look back with regret.

To help me feel good and embrace this amazing thing, I started whole birth prenatal yoga last month. It’s led by a doula/prenatal massage/lacation consultant who is also a yogi. She is a riot and I love the class. We spend an hour talking about pregnancy, usually with a topic of conversation, and then spend an hour doing yoga, focused on helping the body prepare for labor and motherhood. My fellow classmates have really helped me focus on the things I can do to make this experience all I want it to be, and let go of the rest. They are the best fertile friends an IF girl could have.

I know lots of other women who struggled with IF that refuse to prepare for a baby who might not be, and I expected I would be one of them. I’m not. DH and I spent the week after Christmas window shopping at every baby store within a 20 mile radius. We picked out a stroller, researched cribs, looked for a glider for the nursery and had a blast dreaming about our baby to be. A few weeks ago a crib I loved (but couldn’t afford) at super posh local baby boutique was dramatically marked down in their closing sale and we bought it and brought it home. And a few weeks after that we found the perfect glider at Costco and brought it home too (our family mantra is if you see it once at Costco and don’t buy then it will be gone next week). So instead of waiting until we are “safely” in the third trimester, we went whole hog and finished furnishing the nursery as soon as I was in the second. Sometimes I find DH in there stroking the soft velvet of the chair or staring longingly over the rail of the crib and it just breaks my heart.