Holiday catch-up

Things have been a little crazy around here. Scott and I take turns looking at each other every couple of days and asking if it is really real. Neither of us can believe that we actually managed to get pregnant, much less on our own, while on our dream vacation. Sure, I miscarried weeks before and that sucked (its suckiness hits me sometimes when I see women who are as pregnant as I'd be if that one little thing had stuck around). For all we knew it would take us another 18 months or IVF to get pregnant for good. How fabulously wrong we were -- for the better.

So around 10 weeks I started feeling better. It didn't last long! I had a great week though -- DH and I did some shopping and mailed off our Xmas cards and the gifts to his families. I made a great superman cape for our nephew. After that, I lost a lot of steam, seemingly overnight!

My family holidays have a special craziness. My older brother's bday is the 20th, my younger brother's bday is the 22nd and of course mine is the 27th. We were raised in a very Catholic household and Christmas was a special time all its own. But our family took it (and still takes it) to a whole other level. Growing up, we only had cake in December. And we fought to have separate parties. These days we all just hope to get calls on our big day and are happy to have a little private peace to our selves.

On the 22nd, we met up with my brother and his wife for a little hockey game. My SIL ordered my brother a box of chicago love -- chicago dogs and pizza and cheesecake. It was crazy -- everything (mustard and all!) was packed on dry ice. We all pigged out before the game and Joe and I were totally sick through the first two periods. I ended up throwing up at an intermission and then felt better. But a word to the wise -- chicago dogs are NOT good on the way back out. Those peppers burn! LOL. Our team lost but we had fun anyway -- we were also celebrating their new pregnancy. :) They have a 17 month old daughter and really wanted another child for a long time and were really worried about whether it would happen, given my brother's poor health this year and his scary prognosis. And we are all thrilled that we'll get to share this new thing together. My SIL and I are the only girls in our families and have been close since she started dating my brother 10 years ago, despite a 7 year age gap. They are so supportive of us and I'm so glad we are in a place were we can be supportive right back.

On the eve of Xmas eve I did a little more sewing and then took a nap before dinner with my dad and his wife. It was the only time we could find for us to get together and it turned out to be a really nice chance to just sit and talk with them instead of trying to talk in between seeing tons of other relatives. My dad already has 4 grandchildren but is very cautiously excited for us. He's more cautious than I would have expected considering that he's a big optimist, but I think seeing us so sad and scared for so long had an effect on him too and he doesn't want to get his hopes up too high. He prays for us and in our darkest hours was a real comfort to both of us with his trademark phrase -- God is good, God is great.

After dinner with my dad, I stayed up late sewing more capes for two more adorable nephews -- this time personalized with their own super hero emblems. :)

Christmas eve I was exhausted and a little stressed. We had a lot to do to get the house ready for a party for 10 adults and 4 kids. The living room had to be totally rearranged and I wasn't in the best shape to help. Poor hubby! We stayed up until 1:30 sewing and wrapping gifts and getting set up.

We slept in Christmas morning and had TJ's chocolate croissants for breakfast while opening our stockings. We decided months ago not to exchange gifts and it sounded great in theory but was tough to do in practice so we compromised and exchanged stocking stuffers. It was fun to think of sweet little things he would like. :) It turned out great and we both felt a nice sense of abundance even without any big gifts.

I made the mistake of making a regular weekend breakfast after that. So not a good idea. I spent the hours I was supposed to be getting food ready throwing up in our kitchen sink. Yuck! My lightbulb moment hit just as I was supposed to get dressed -- too much food, even two bites too many, means throwing up. So STOP eating!

The family thing was fun. My mom and G'ma came and brought my uncle and his longtime gf. They'd never been to our house so it was a treat to show off all our hard work. My brother's both were here with their four kids (six weeks to almost 3). The oldest napped through half the party and had to be bribed with presents to wake up. ;) The middle two are 4 months apart and are funny without even talking. They would walk up to the buffet, and reach up over their head to grab whatever food might be in reach. They ate everything they could get their little tiny hands on and left powdered sugar hand prints all over everything as proof! Baby Ali, just six weeks old, was a darling in her Christmas dress and sweetly slept through the party too. Opening gifts was a sight to behold -- paper everywhere -- but everyone seemed happy with their gifts. We even got one for Baby K -- a pair of tiny pink shoes with lions on them. We have no idea if it will be a girl, but we love lions and pink lions things are rare so my SIL snapped them up.

After everyone left we checked our mail and I was surprised to discover that I'd gotten my annual benefits letter from work and it included news of a raise, a promotion and a bonus. What a great gift! I work for a non-profit and never in a million years expected a bonus. I'm really thankful though as it will come in handy for all the things we need now that we didn't think we'd ever have to buy.

After everything calmed down we called to check in with the ILs and got another surprise. My SIL, the one with the 2 year old who came to visit in October, is also pg and is due 3 days before me. I wish I could say I handled the news well but I didn't. Instead of a feeling my own pregnant zen, I was a bitter pissed of IFer again. It really freaking stung. She's 40 and got pg both times without much effort. That alone kicks my ass. I know it shouldn't. But it does. I started trying when I was 31. And it took us 15 cycles to get pg, only to miscarry. Then 18 more to get pg again, only to miscarry badly. Sure I'm pg now but damn did that road suck. And hearing the ease with which other's conceive still kicks my ass apparently. I'm also a bit bitter than our child will have to share so much from the very beginning. SIL lives near the ILs, several hundred miles away from us. I can't imagine that they'll make the trip to see our little one when their daughter has one a few minutes away.

I spent the days after Christmas in a haze. I napped a lot and dreamed about our baby. At twelve weeks it really started to feel real. As the year drew to a close and a new year started, a year when we'd finally be parents, all I could think about was: This new year is the year we get our dream come true. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments, and heck days, when I get terrified that things will all go fantastically wrong, a larger part of me believes that this is finally our turn for things to go fantastically right. And I want to enjoy it, for all its wonder.

And my last bit of update: I had my 12 week check up today. All bloodwork and tests were fine, I lost a pound (thanks to a lingering cold) which is fine since I am overweight to begin with, bp is fine, all looks good. And we finally got to hear the hb, at a wondrous 150 bpm. Doc is happy with my progress and shares our wonder at our happy situation. She confirmed that at this point as long as all screening comes back fine, we are on cruise control for now, with good things on the horizon. NT scan is Monday and we'll get our results then.

I hope the new year brings peace and good things to all my fellow stirrup queens.

Happy birthday to me!

Today is my 34th birthday and I don’t think I’ve ever had a happier one. I finally have the thing I’ve wished for as I blew out candles for the last half a dozen years or so – a pregnancy that looks and feels good. I feel tremendously lucky that tomorrow marks 12 weeks. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and it looks like this year (my 35th!) is the year I’ll get my dream come true. No material thing could ever compare.

I made DH promise not to get me anything this year as I already had everything thing I wanted…well everything besides a bra that fits and some clothes that feel comfy but we fixed that with one trip to the mall yesterday. This year I got so many increadible gifts I just couldn't ask for any more. I had a once in a lifetime trip to Paris with my hubby that I’d long dreamed about and a surprise pregnancy after three long years of TTC. Nothing beats that!

We went out for my favorite breakfast this morning and then did a bit of browsing at the baby store. Holy cow what fun! After that we did more window shopping and had an early dinner at my favorite French place. I barely made it through the meal before I realized I needed a nap. I came home and crashed and just got up in time to make some cupcakes. All in all it was a great day.

Tomorrow I’ll update on our crazy Christmas (the nieces and nephews were in fine form), job news (good job news!), and what’s on our horizon (tests and appointments galore).

10 weeks

My symptoms – sore giant boobs, stretching and pulling in abdomen, crazy tired, and all day nausea – disappeared on Monday. I was less tired and less nauseous and the rest of them just went away. I was okay for one day. And then two. And then I made the situation worse by having sex this morning with my hubby. It was our first time since the BFP and I thought it would make me feel better. Only it made me feel worse. I spotted all morning. Accompanied by a bunch of nothing, it sent me into a tailspin.

I called my OBs office and I think my crying convinced the nurse to bring me in. Dh and I got there two hours later and I was still a wreck. Thank goodness they are so patient. My doc did a quick abdominal u/s which revealed a beautiful beating heart (still no measurement of it, even though I asked!) and a wiggly worm of a fetus. She was pleased and I was very relieved. And she didn’t even make me feel crazy.

She also tried the Doppler but couldn’t pick up the fetus’ heartbeat – only mine. Which was fine since I already knew all was well and that it was a little early for the Doppler.

I also got a chance to ask her about the screening. I explained my concern and she said she totally understood and that the NT scan they do is a combined or sequential screen that is two blood tests combined with the scan to give one overall number that includes the risk for NTDs. I was much relieved and will schedule it asap.

She told me to just enjoy feeling good while I can and know that all is looking well. I go back in two weeks for another check up.

I miss peanut butter

I miss peanut butter. So very much. I fanaticize about it every day. It is a huge part of my normal diet. For almost four years breakfast has been 2 tbs reduced fat creamy peanut butter on two slices of reduced calorie wheat toast (Oro.wheat makes the best kind – loads of fiber but low in calorie and still edible). Until I got pg. Dh is allergic to peanuts. Everything I’ve read says that I should avoid peanuts and peanut products until after I’m through bf’ing lest my child have a severe allergy to peanuts. Since peanut allergies are a tough thing for kids (especially when other kids want pb&j for lunch at school), I figured it was a good idea to do what I can to minimize the impact. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time.

***
I always dreaded hearing other people’s happy pregnancy news when we were in the throws of our IF. Hated it. Even from people I liked. I hated it even more when the news took me by surprise. Having been on the receiving end so many times, I hoped I wouldn’t ever do that to a fellow stirrup queen. But I did.

Last week DH and I were going about our usual Sunday morning routine – fantastic farmer’s market, coffee and pasties, Trader Joe’s, then our local supermarket for stuff not at the other two. We love our little ritual and it’s a nice quiet time for us. I was reaching for broccoli when I heard a female voice ask me if I took classes at our local giant HMO. I turned and realized the woman talking to me was the same person who cried all through our last support group meeting. (It was her first, and its always a huge step for people. Everyone cries through their first group meeting.) She asked me how we liked Paris as I mentally tried to figure out a way to get out of giving her an update. I wasn’t showing so there was no way she’s know. Dh and I exchanged desperate glances and I realized he was going to spill. And then she asked, “How are things? Are things going wel?” More weird glances exchanged between us. Then, “Good news, huh?” And we confessed. And I saw that look of whycan’titbeme cross her face. And I felt like a terrible person for ruining her morning. Why couldn’t we keep our mouths shut?

***
Some days I absolutely don’t feel pregnant. Unless frequent waves of nausea and dry heaving, and falling asleep at 8 pm count as feeling pregnant. For a while in week 8, I felt tugging and pulling and stretching all day long and it has mostly stopped. I wish it hadn’t no matter how painful it was. Sometimes I forget I’m pregnant. Until I catch sight of my boobs and then I can’t help but remember.**

I went shopping with my mom, SIL and 18 month old niece last weekend. It was supposed to be Christmas shopping but it ended up being a lot of shopping for me. My SIL was great – giving me tips on what to get and what to avoid in terms of early maternity wear (one pair of jeans and two tops for work), and my mom was thrilled to bits. We found a few cute baby things with our favorite animal on it and couldn’t resist. Despite lingering, sometimes all consuming fear, I let myself enjoy those few hours of talking and planning and joy about baby.

For years, as my SILs had 4 kids between them, I felt left out of their little circle. Their mommy circle. I so desperately wanted to join and couldn’t. I worried that it would cause some permanent rift, that my dear SIL would never forgive my distance. But they both did and are more than happy to welcome me to their little club.

***
I am woefully behind on Christmas prep. I’ve had cards for two months and have yet to even unwrap them. I have had the fabric for the gifts for the nieces and nephews since August and haven’t touched it. We finally decorated our tree on Sunday but I have yet to set out my other fun decorations.

We are supposed to host the festivities at our house this year. Host. I’m an idiot. I don’t have a menu or a shopping list and I have no idea when I’ll feel like doing it.

***
Hubby is having a tough time at work. His employer, a small biz, laid off some folks two weeks ago and let him know that the decision to keep him was a tough call. Ouch. He’s understandably worried and scared and it is sapping some of his joy about the pregnancy. Sometimes I want to pamper him and make it all better. I want his joy about this pregnancy to override his fear but it just doesn’t all the time.

***

I’m worried about neural tube defects (NTD). Folic acid can prevent most NTDs. Great. I wasn’t taking them the few weeks before we conceived. I was ordered to stop taking folic acid on Sept. 13 so that the methotrexate I received would work properly to bring an expedited end to the failing pregnancy that would not end on its own. Folic acid interferes with methotrexate. I stopped taking my pnvs and supplements and didn’t start again until we were in Paris in mid-October. And I wasn’t consistent until I got the bfp. I feel guilty that I didn’t do everything I could to prevent them. I took those damn pnvs every day for more than three years except for that small break and that is the break that could have made a difference.

I need to decide in the next few days what to do about screening. At our 8 week appointment NP recommended the NT Scan but also gave us paperwork for the AFP test. The NT scan does not test for NTDs. The AFP does. I know I need to screen for the trisomy’s but that doesn’t seem like enough. I’m worried that if we do both that the results will conflict and we’ll need to do CVS or amnio, which I’d rather avoid. Any insights I should think about?

***
I’ll be 10 weeks even tomorrow. Neither of us can believe it.

**Please tell me what the heck to do about the bra situation. I was a 36FF before I got pg. Bras are now tight and there is spillage. Do I get regular, but larger sized bras now? Do I wait? When to get maternity bras? Are they more comfy? Please help! And where does one find them in size 36 GIANT?

Still there

I'm back for our 8 week u/s and all is well with our little lion cub. It was measuring right on track with a lovely heartbeat. The next appointment isn't for a MONTH and I have no idea how I will remain sane.

DH and I are just overwhelmed that there is a little something growing in there. We really didn't know if we would ever get to have a day like today and it felt incredible.

DH was so cute -- all teary and smiling and happy that it had grown so much and is starting to resemble a something. I knew he'd be excited and happy when we finally had children, but I had no idea how much he'd enjoy all this. How happy he'd be with a pregnancy that goes somewhere. It's better than I imagined.

I have only one frustration – the appointment was with a nurse practioner who did not seem at the top of her game. I really wish the appointment were with someone more knowledgeable or who had read a file with the pertinent info. She didn’t know anything about what came before, and she didn’t even finish going over the standard stuff we expected at the appointment (family histories, testing schedules, what to avoid, when to call, etc.). She got totally caught up in our sucky pregnancy history and offered to do the u/s right off the bat, which was kind of her. But during the u/s she didn’t measure the heart rate – just looked at it and pronounced it fine and good. I would have preferred a more solid measurement since I’m not sure how I feel about her judgment. And she skipped the pelvic exam since I had showed her my pap results from September. I thought she’d at least want to get a look at my cervix.

She did give us a boatload of paperwork to read (including a guide to pregnancy from the clinic) and had us fill out a health history form. She advised me that if I want a nuchal translucency screening, I should schedule it now and gave me the info for it. And she went over the schedule for appointments. I thought we would get more info than just (as if it is just) confirming that our little one is still growing just great and the little heart is beating. I thought there’d be more to it.

But I’ll take a growing fetus and a beating heart over the alternative. Any day and twice on Sundays.

Pink and Pumpkin Pie

I’m back at work after our little break and I’m actually glad to have something to do to occupy my time besides wondering if I’ll see spotting next time I have to go pee. Spotting really ruins any enjoyment there might be in relieving ones bladder. I dread going to the bathroom, 24/7. I’ve been battling a yeast infection with dr. approved moni.stat7 since last week and ever since I started the lovely regimen, I’ve had creamy pink spotting every single god damned day. Almost all of it is just on tp but some on the pads I have to wear unless I want to change my clothes three times a day. It is driving me insane. Logically I know that it hasn’t increased, it isn’t accompanied by cramping, and all other signs of pregnancy look good (numbers were great last time we checked, u/s have been good, and we saw the heartbeat last week). But damn the logic doesn’t do much to calm my near constant DBT. Two eight hour car rides plus three nights in my ILs guest room did not make this situation better. I am hoping really really hard that once I stop the nightly use of the cream in a hard plastic wand (which I’m convinced is irritating the heck out of my poor insides) that the daily pink yuckiness will quit.

Had my first episode of actual pukage on Thanksgiving and may never eat pumkin pie again. Other than that, not much else is new. I’m 7w3d today and our next appointment is Friday at 11 am. I’m terrified.

Giving Thanks

We are getting ready to load the car for the drive to my ILs house several hundred miles away. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. My wonderful husband. My family, friends (in and out of the computer), my life. And most of all this year, our little vacation surprise, with its very own flickering heartbeat.

Hope your holiday is warm and filled with laughter and that you have your own little things to be thankful for. If not this year, then soon.