Still there

I'm back for our 8 week u/s and all is well with our little lion cub. It was measuring right on track with a lovely heartbeat. The next appointment isn't for a MONTH and I have no idea how I will remain sane.

DH and I are just overwhelmed that there is a little something growing in there. We really didn't know if we would ever get to have a day like today and it felt incredible.

DH was so cute -- all teary and smiling and happy that it had grown so much and is starting to resemble a something. I knew he'd be excited and happy when we finally had children, but I had no idea how much he'd enjoy all this. How happy he'd be with a pregnancy that goes somewhere. It's better than I imagined.

I have only one frustration – the appointment was with a nurse practioner who did not seem at the top of her game. I really wish the appointment were with someone more knowledgeable or who had read a file with the pertinent info. She didn’t know anything about what came before, and she didn’t even finish going over the standard stuff we expected at the appointment (family histories, testing schedules, what to avoid, when to call, etc.). She got totally caught up in our sucky pregnancy history and offered to do the u/s right off the bat, which was kind of her. But during the u/s she didn’t measure the heart rate – just looked at it and pronounced it fine and good. I would have preferred a more solid measurement since I’m not sure how I feel about her judgment. And she skipped the pelvic exam since I had showed her my pap results from September. I thought she’d at least want to get a look at my cervix.

She did give us a boatload of paperwork to read (including a guide to pregnancy from the clinic) and had us fill out a health history form. She advised me that if I want a nuchal translucency screening, I should schedule it now and gave me the info for it. And she went over the schedule for appointments. I thought we would get more info than just (as if it is just) confirming that our little one is still growing just great and the little heart is beating. I thought there’d be more to it.

But I’ll take a growing fetus and a beating heart over the alternative. Any day and twice on Sundays.

Pink and Pumpkin Pie

I’m back at work after our little break and I’m actually glad to have something to do to occupy my time besides wondering if I’ll see spotting next time I have to go pee. Spotting really ruins any enjoyment there might be in relieving ones bladder. I dread going to the bathroom, 24/7. I’ve been battling a yeast infection with dr. approved moni.stat7 since last week and ever since I started the lovely regimen, I’ve had creamy pink spotting every single god damned day. Almost all of it is just on tp but some on the pads I have to wear unless I want to change my clothes three times a day. It is driving me insane. Logically I know that it hasn’t increased, it isn’t accompanied by cramping, and all other signs of pregnancy look good (numbers were great last time we checked, u/s have been good, and we saw the heartbeat last week). But damn the logic doesn’t do much to calm my near constant DBT. Two eight hour car rides plus three nights in my ILs guest room did not make this situation better. I am hoping really really hard that once I stop the nightly use of the cream in a hard plastic wand (which I’m convinced is irritating the heck out of my poor insides) that the daily pink yuckiness will quit.

Had my first episode of actual pukage on Thanksgiving and may never eat pumkin pie again. Other than that, not much else is new. I’m 7w3d today and our next appointment is Friday at 11 am. I’m terrified.

Giving Thanks

We are getting ready to load the car for the drive to my ILs house several hundred miles away. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. My wonderful husband. My family, friends (in and out of the computer), my life. And most of all this year, our little vacation surprise, with its very own flickering heartbeat.

Hope your holiday is warm and filled with laughter and that you have your own little things to be thankful for. If not this year, then soon.

flicker

As soon as the wand went in, Dr. NicenReal said the sweetest words ever. We have a heartbeat. A tiny little flicker. DH couldn't quite make it out but once he did, he shed a few tears with me. And it's now measuring right on track -- 6w3d.

Dr. NicenReal wanted to make sure we didn't go overboard in our excitement. She made sure to mention that we really want to make sure I get past 12 weeks and at my 8 week appointment next Friday (the 30th) they'll look for it again to make sure it is still there. Way to bring a girl down a peg. But I'm glad she's not happy go lucky. Real is fine. Real is good.

Hubs also asked about traveling for Thanksgiving, especially since I get carsick even when I'm not nauseous. She said it was up to us and if we did go to take lots of bathroom breaks and drink lots of water. And that I can take b6 plus the ingredient in uni.some for the nausea. I had no idea. She also said benad.ryl was okay. We'll see. I think I can manage without drugs, especially since it's only annoying for now.

We went out for lunch after the appointment. DH kept asking what comes next. He'd like a week by week calendar of to do's "like we had for the wedding." And it just about broke my heart when he said he didn't know if we'd ever get this far. That he'd never even imagined it. How do you keep the tears from falling then?

Queasy

I rested all day Saturday, including a four hour nap in the middle of the day. I had cabin fever by Saturday night and decided a short trip out for dinner with my brother and SIL to celebrate her birthday at the Cheesecake Factory wasn't out of the question. Just as I was getting ready to go, the naseau kicked in. The persistant feeling of being just a little sick is oddly reassuring. It feels kinda gross, but I'm happy to have it.

DH and I ran a bunch of errands today -- the farmer's market, Tj's, the other grocery store to get things neither of the other two carry -- and I felt okay. I was ready to come home after two hours out of the house on my feet. I should have napped but I sat and sewed an apron for my SIL since I felt guilty about not finishing it in time for her birthday. It's 8:30 now and I am ready for bed. My appointment at 11 am tomorrow can't come soon enough.

resting

I'm jinxing myself just typing this but the pink hasn't returned so far. Back to brown. Talked to the doc and she said what I expected -- there isn't anything to do but rest as much as possible and wait. Wait until we know more. I have another u/s scheduled for Monday at 11 am. We hope to see a fetal pole then. I would be thrilled with no more spotting. Thrilled!

My beta on Wednesday was 8600, for a doubling time of 54.5 hours. I freaked out a bit. I expected it to be 10K and to slow after that. Lovely, wonderful Mel tells me it slows once it reaches 5K which is a relief.

I plan to sit on the couch all weekend and watch all the stuff piled up on our Ti.vo, including 6 episodes of Grey's.Anatomy.

The support from my fellow IF bloggers is so wonderful. I'm so glad that after 18 months of reading and commenting, I decided to jump on the bandwagon, and just in time too. I would have been lost these last few months without all of you.

No, not again

I started spotting pink tonight and I'm terrified. I'll call my doc tomorrow but I'm not sure what she'll do. No cramping just yet but this all just seems familiar in a bad bad way.

Is there anyway for this to end other than badly? If so, I need to hear about it.

I had just decided today that things were looking so great. That all was progressing as it should. And just before dinner it started. I just don't understand.

U/S report: we have a sac

Actually a gestational sac and a yolk sac, both measuring 5w1d. I estimated I'm 5w4d, but I will happily admit to being wrong given how strange the preceding cycle was.

I'm thrilled and overjoyed to finally have something visible in there. The u/s itself was done by a tech who couldn't give details so I coached DH on what to look for and he was sure he saw a sac but didn't see anything in it from across the room. We're both really really excited. I know a billion things could go to shit from this point forward, but this is the farthest we've ever come on our journey to parenthood and it feels good to have reached at least this tiny milestone. Sadly we got no pictures. I may ask for some next week because I know my mom will want them for her scrapbook.

The doc said I'd get a call tomorrow with today's beta results and that I should come in again next week to check again for the embryo. She wasn't super concered about the spotting but wanted me to keep an eye on it and insisted I take it easy and observe pelvic rest (no sex). I told her it was mostly caramel colored and is now accompanied by itching and she said if I see other signs of a yeast infection I can call to get advised treatment. Until them, just topical stuff for itchy. Fun stuff huh?

Not so different

I’m spotting. It started last night just before bed and is caramel colored. Nothing huge and dramatic but still scary. No cramping so far. I’ve been to this place before and it just doesn’t end well. I’m consumed by dead embryo thoughts. I’m trying to use the tools from our mind body class – is it absolutely true? No. Could the opposite be true? Yes. Please God yes.

Tuesday

Today was a good day. I had a surprise lunch with one of my dearest friends. I mentioned her a while back and it was good to finally sit down and talk with her after all that we'd been through.

I spilled the beans right away and she spilled hers right back -- she found out yesterday she's pregnant again too. And we estimate we are both 5.5 weeks. And she thinks she got pg on vacation too. She's very nervous and scared and I had to lift her up a bit. It felt very strange. I'm usually the one who needs lifting up. I'm usually the sad and scared one. Instead, I'm happy to have gotten to a new place. A place that so far is different than the ones we've been to before. I hope that we get to take this adventure together and that both pregnancies end happily with healthy babies in July.

In other news, I'm hoping to have an ultrasound tomorrow. My doc is the on call doc at the hospital tomorrow and if she can take a break they'll call me to come in and see her. At this point I'm desperate -- I think I have a yeast infection and I'd really like some medically approved relief. And of course we'd like visible evidence that things are okay in there. That there is something in there. Something live and growing. If she isn't available I'm going to beg and plead to see someone, anyone other than the rude doc I saw in September. I'd rather suffer than see him again.

brand new babies

sleeping
Originally uploaded by sarahewk

This brand new baby, our neice Alice Olivia, decided to make her appearance a few days early and arrived without much warning on Thursday. We went to see her on Saturday and I must say she is quite the petite little girl, with delicate hands (and long nails already!).

When I found out about her conception, I cried and refused to speak to my brother (her father) for a month. I cried again when I got her shower invite. When I found out she had made her appearance, I felt totally calm. I'm glad the pain of infertility doesn't extend to the babies themselves anymore. I was happy to see her and happy to hold her little tiny body (she is the smallest of the bunch so far at 6lbs. 14oz.).

So it's all good. I hope this pregnancy turns into a real live baby for our house next year. So far, so good. Only symptoms so far are sore boobs -- which are not helped when toddlers climb all over Aunt Sarah -- and a tiny bit of naseau this morning.

We told my family yesterday in a very low key way and they were all pleased but are all very nervous, as we all are I guess. I hadn't realized how much all of it had affected them too. It's good though that they are so real I think. No overly crazy plan making (except by my eternally optimistic DH). Just quiet excitement. And a gift from my mom -- an adorable baby sized quilt in a safari flannel I picked out years ago for a our someday babies. Mom started it when I was pregnant in August and finished it despite the crappy outcome. She decided she might as well give it to us now. I've been cuddling up with it, hoping the good grandma vibes let this one know how very much we all want it to be real.

Beta Doubled!

I just spoke to the nurse and the beta doubled! Those might be the sweetest words ever. The first one on Tuesday was 656 so we were looking for 1300 or so and it was over 1400 (I was too excited to remember the other two numbers!). Progesterone was 18.7 which from some quick goo.gling, looks normal for an unassisted conception. The doc's office are all acting like, "well this happens every day" but man I am freaking out. I feel like I should be doing something. But I know there isn't much else to do until sometime late next week or early the next. The nurse (who will obviously need a name) said she'd have someone call back to schedule my intake appointment.

It is all so foreign to me. Not just being pregnant. But being treated like a normal person. I am not sure I like it. Though I can't really think up a reason to bitch for more -- we conceived on our own, all signs seem fine, numbers are good. Sore boobs, but nothing else. Is this the part where I just have to sit back and wait???

Thank you for all the support and well wishes. I really appreciate them.

UPDATED: I'll be going in for an u/s sometime next week (once they get an opening spot on the calendar) and my 8w and 12w appointments (WHAT????) were scheduled. Seems very presumptuous to me.

My Story

Mel asked us to tell our stories this week, and while I’m a little late, I just can’t say no to Mel. I outlined the story a few months ago, but will give the cliffnotes version now.

Eleven years ago in July, my bus stop on Wisconsin Ave in Georgetown was on a street corner outside the baby.Gap. In the window for most of the summer were 2 dozen tiny little baby shoes. Everyday I admired them until one day I saw them and cried all the way home. I wanted a child then, even though it had no place in my crazy life.

Five years after that summer when I decided I needed to be a mother, my now-husband and I decided after six weeks of dating that we wanted to get married and have children. We married in October 2003 and waited a year before TTC. I was so anxious to conceive that we used charting and OPKs from the get-go, hoping to get to parenthood quickly. It didn’t pan out and we were at the REs by October 2005. My insurance gave us 50% coverage for infertility testing and IUIs but nothing for IVF, which we hoped we wouldn’t need. We did the standard testing and were declared healthy. Even though nothing was amiss we did several rounds of clomid with IUI, experiencing one disappointing chemical pregnancy along the way.

A year later, IUIs still hadn’t worked and we were told we needed IVF, which we couldn’t afford and for which we had no insurance coverage. So we took a break, hoping we could find a way to finance our hopes of having a baby. But the months passed and no quick fix emerged. And every time I thought of financing a failed cycle, only to have to shell out money we didn’t have every month for the next five years to pay the bills, I got sick to my stomach, so we kept waiting.

In August my insurance changed and it now covers a portion of IVF. To get that coverage I had to change to a more expensive insurance plan, and leave all my beloved doctors behind, including one who has skillfully managed a chronic condition for five years. I know I’m lucky to have some coverage at all, but infertility has been more stressful than it needed to be because I don’t live in a state that mandates coverage for IVF.

***
I spoke to my doc today and she helped calm me down. She also was great about changing a few of the meds I take to manage my chronic conditions to once that should be safer and hopefully will work just as well. I should have beta and progesterone results by noon PT.

Beta was 656

And I'm terrified. I haven't been taking my PNV as regularly as I should have. I was given Me.tho.trexate in September (on the 13) to end the previous, lingering pregnancy and now I'm terrified I shouldn't have conceived so quickly. And I'm not feeling great -- my abdomen has been painful and hard for days now which has me worried. I have ulcerative colitis and I know it could just be that acting up (which wouldn't be fun but I know what to do to manage it).

Help me think good thoughts, please. :) I've never had a beta this high and that has to be encouraging, right? I'll repeat it tomorrow, plus add in a progesterone test for good measure.

This is totally scary.

Pregnant. Again? Still? Confused.

I've been feeling weird the last few days and had some weird adominal cramps so I took an OPK this morning, thinking it might be ovulation cramping (which i used to get all the time). It was crazy dark positive. Which made me suspicous. So I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive.

I didn't believe it (umm, it might have been expired since it was from our first chemical in 2006). So I begged a nurse in my Ob's office (who was out today) for a beta, which I took tonight (will get results tomorrow). She also asked for another on Thursday (thank goodness!).

I waited to tell DH until I took another test (a new one). It was positive. Speedy and dark, just like I dreamed it would be.

So this could be one of two things I think:
1. weird lingering hormones from my September miscarriage (I think I hit zero on 10/5)
2. a very early pregnancy

Any insight from my fellow stirrup queens? I've heard rumors on the internets that one is more fertile after a miscarriage. Any truth to it?

I'm hoping to see my OB tomorrow to figure out what is going on and get my results.

DH and I decided to be cautiously optimistic. What else is there to do? I didn't think lightening could strike twice. And I'm really really hoping this one sticks around for a good long time.

Making Progress

Sorry I can’t seem to get it together to post more often. I have a million things racing around my head, and I often think, oh I should post that. And then life gets in the way.

I had a wacky weekend.

A dear friend, a woman from a local message board, and a fellow stirrup queen, adopted a baby girl last week. Her and her husband had been through several wrenching years of…crap. Some hope, though always followed by loss, way too much loss for two sweet people. For anyone. They started the domestic, private adoption process this summer and their baby girl was born last week. They are home settling in, happy as can be. Mutal friends decided to put a care package together for them and it sounded like the perfect opportunity for me to get back to my sewing machine. So I spent Saturday personalizing two little itty bitty onsies and making up a simple, coordinated fleece outfit – pants and little jacket. My dear sweet hubby was practically in tears looking at the tiny soft goodness.

Saturday afternoon we got a call from hubby’s parents asking oh so innocently if we wanted to have dinner with them. They live 400 miles away and were “in the neighborhood” (really over 100 miles away) for a family funeral on Saturday, and we were expecting to host them on Sunday at our house for an overnight visit (yes on a work night). Instead, they had driven over the mountains and through the woods to have dinner with us. They didn’t call until they were already halfway to our house. There was no way to say no since we rarely get to see them. So we went to a funky Chinese place for dinner and then they turned around and drove 100 miles back to their hotel to sleep. They were back at our house by noon on Sunday.

The visit itself was nice. It is always nice to see them, especially when they visit us. It means so much to my hubby for them to see our house and know that he is happy. SIL and her 2 year old were with hubby’s parents on the visit and that was challenging. He is very active and our house is not kid proof (why should it be when we don’t have kids?). Our solution was to take him to a nearby park and for the most part it worked. It wasn’t until dinner that things went a bit south (he wants to eat like a dog, stand on furniture and stay up past my bedtime). Ah, the joys of not being a child’s parent.

This week, my plan is to finally tackle and finish the baby gifts I have planned for my brother and SIL’s baby girl, due next week. A little tiny hat, knit just for her, is almost finished. Two others, knit on our trip, are too big for a baby. Next up, a few decorated onsies especially for her, and a very pink sleep sack. Then I need to tackle all the Christmas gift and decoration sewing on my to do list.

As for progress on the baby front, there is none. Still waiting for AF, have absolutely no idea when she will show. I hit zero around the week of October 5th and finally stopped spotting on October 17th. Seems like she should be here any time in the next ten days. Any ideas on when or what to expect?