Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The miscarriage that would.not.end.

So last time I posted, I just received the shots of methotrexate to end the pregnancy that would not quit. Everything seemed fine over the weekend – suspiciously fine. No cramping, no bleeding. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Until yesterday. I was in a meeting at work when I started to feel faint and thought I might throw up. I freaked out and had a coworker take me to the ER at the big/local/teaching hospital (otherwise known as BLT). DH met me there and we wiled away the evening explaining my sorry state to a million new people. The end result was that the numbers still hadn't fallen and there were "products of conception" in my uterus and they needed to come out.

I was told to stop eating at midnight last night to prep for a possible D&C today. The doc on call (who was fantastic that DH and I both want her to be our best friend. She is going to be known as Dr.Fantastic) today decided to do another ultrasound instead of scheduling the D&C. The u/s showed the same thing as yesterday's -- stuff in my uterus. Dr.Fantastic decided to wait until we have the results of Thursday's previously scheduled beta before proceeding.

So I am still pregnant. I never thought I'd be in a position to wish for the end of a pregnancy given how long it took us to get here and how much we wanted, and still want, a child. But man, I am so totally over this.

To distract myself, I have been sewing tops. I started the pink floral one the night before we found out I was pregnant. I finished it the weekend I had bleeding I thought would be the end of this pregnancy. I started the yellow and white one last Friday and finished on Saturday. I’ve almost finished with another one already – a white t-shirt. I have at least a half dozen more things to make before our trip to Paris in 24 days.

I feel like a fraud for being so excited about our trip while I’m still in the process of miscarrying. How can any sane person who has longed for a child as long as we have find joy in anything when they are in the process of losing a pregnancy? Does that invalidate my stirrup queens membership card?

8 comments:

Sherry said...

ugh Sarah this sucks, sucks sucks.

No way you have to redeem your membership - I completely understand that feeling of wanting it to be "over." I'm so sorry this has been complete crap for you.

Sending hugs your way . . .

The Town Criers said...

It's called distraction. Your mind can only handle so much before it explodes, so it turns to a different topic. I'm so sorry. It feels like a strange thing to write, but I hope it ends soon so you can start moving on.

SaraS-P said...

I am sorry you are having to deal with this endless miscarriage.

You have every right to get excited about doing something other than think about the baby you want so badly. We are allowed to have lives outside of the conception quest, after all.

megan said...

(i followed you from Mel's bar. . . )
i'm so sorry you're going through this. what a nightmare. i hope this ends soon...

Kim said...

Ugh. So sorry you have to go through this for so long.

I think you're brave for *trying* to distract yourself and be normal. Major courage there!

Elizabeth said...

Nothing invalidates your membership. It's always going to be all messy. I'm so sorry about what you are going through right now.

Kristen said...

Of course you are still a SQ! I'm just so sorry this happened and is now neverending. I just wish you could get some closure. It isn't fair you have to keep dealing with the same stuff over and over.

(((HUGS)))

P.S. Your tops are beautiful!

Kristin said...

Hi Sarah. I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. Too many of us know what you're going through. I think Paris is a perfect distraction and I don't blame you one bit for being tres (sorry) excited about it. I hope the change of scenery is just what you need. Please take care!