Ugh

The choices I outlined in my previous post just didn't work for me. I had a meltdown at work and did the only thing I could think of -- I went to talk to our HR director who I knew to be sympathetic. She saved my day.

The HR director sent me to a nearby clinic see a new doc this afternoon. The docs were a little perplexed by my situation (low beta, bleeding, cramping) in a brand new patient but they handled it well. I explained what I understood to be my options and they agreed with everything except the sedation policies of my doc/hmo. The new docs decided to persue the same course of action as my old doc -- repeat the beta and if it hasn't dropped significantly, do a dose of methotrexate and keep watch on the betas until it goes to zero. If it has gone up again, then it's a whole different ball of wax. If it gets to that I'm promised proper (read knock you out) drugs. That small promise makes a world of difference to me.

As for my previous bad experience with the hysteroscopy (to remove a unterine polyp) and concious sedation, I thought I was prepared, having had similiar sedation for 5 colonoscopies in the same outpatient center. I was severely mistaken. I was awake and crying through the whole thing. I could feel everything -- the dilation and the cutting. It was truly awful. Something I hope never to repeat.

Hopefully the uncertainty won't last much longer. I'm so ready for this to be over.